World of Warwickcraft

Way tired today.

It's good to be home in Melbourne. It was really good to catch up with friends and family in Sydney, but there's no place like being in your own bed.

But church made me edgy. I'm not sure why; it just is.

The thing is, I'm trying to live in the moment, and not constantly (over)analyse everything. If there's something wrong it should become apparent in time.

Right now I'm just going to be.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I'm trying to work out why I feel so unsettled right now. I've just finished up at the Web Directions South 2009 conference.

There was so much new information flying at me for the last week. I haven't really been in a situation like that for a long time - if ever.

It's like trying to grab hold of snowflakes in a blizzard.

I think when I get back to Melbourne I need to sit down for a couple if nights and try to assess what stuck, and what direction to go from here.

On the other hand, I'm not so sure I like who I was over the past few days. I look back and feel like I was a bit too chameleonic.

Still working on developing a stronger sense of self.

The thing is, last weekend at Black Stump working with the team, I felt like I had a much stronger sense of self and identity.

Something else from this last fortnight I need to ponder further.

Just sitting waiting for the airport shuttle now, to start my journey back to my little family waiting for me in Melbourne.

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There's so much to say, but I've twittered most of it away.

Turning 35 in a couple of months.

Was diagnosed with Insulin Resistance Syndrome at the end of November. Doctor prescribed (and I kid you not), a "modified Atkins diet". Other than that, he told me to cut out sugar, flour, starchy foods (ie potatoes), and rice. (Different doctor to the "no other option but lap-band guy).

He left me to my own devices to figure out what a "modified Atkins diet" entailed.

I basically landed somewhere between a low GI and Atkins diet. I based my calorie intake on some stuff I learnt last year on the Fat2Fit podcast. I worked out what my BMR would be for my goal weight (~2000 cal per day), and that's my caloric intake.

In practical terms, mid-November I weighed 170kg (375lbs) and I now weigh (8 weeks later) 156.5 kg (345lbs).

I'm swimming regularly, and walking regularly and feeling more energetic than I have in a long time.

I'm 5kg off being the lightest I've been in 5 years.

Happier than I have been in a long time as well. Cutting out the sugar spikes seems to have improved my depression drastically. Never went back on anti-depressants either.

Not much more to say right now.

I wrote a blog entry yesterday, and rather than cut and paste it here, I'll just link it.

http://www.warwickrendell.com/2008/09/17/depression-in-my-own-words/

Yeah, I'm really quite tired. I've had half an hour's sleep.

See, last Wednesday was the culmination of nearly a year's worth of doctor's visits, specialist appointments, research and a lot of waiting around for something to happen. After my diagnosis of sleep apnea, and hiring an APAP machine for 6 months, I had a tonsillectomy and turbinoplasty.

The doctor said the after-effects of the tonsillectomy would be comparable to the worst tonsillitis I'd experienced.

Yeah, not so much. I think it's a lot worse. It does seem to be improving.

Side effect though, is I'm sleeping terribly. Which, right at this moment, feels bitterly ironic.

Anyway, not much I can do about it, other than just keep taking the medication, and the "pain-killers", and wait for everything to heal up. It does seem, however, that based on the numbers the APAP machine is reporting from the last few days of usage, it's made a world of difference - when I do actually get some sleep.

I kind of feel us old-timers on LJ were the original Web2.0 kids :-)

Anyway, I twitter these days, so if that's your bag, you can follow me http://www.twitter.com/warwraith

Not sure if I'm able to get the whole LJ thing going again...

If this works, I might end up spending more time posting to LJ...

I can has new strip?

http://www.geeksalad.net/

Well, maybe DON'T copy what I did.

Good Friday, I forgot to take my meds. Easter Saturday I couldn't find them. Easter Sunday I officially "stopped taking my meds".

Effexor XR has been referred to as "the medication you wish you never took". Now I understand why. The withdrawal symptoms are to die for. Or kill for. Mine boiled down to hot flushes (I'm experiencing menopause?!?) and brain shocks. Many hours of lying on my back and listening to my body and I worked out that my brain shocks were dizzy spells, and were directly related to moving my eyes from side-to-side (l-r or r-l). Up and down was fine. A bit of searching on Google revealed this to (apparently) be caused by a lack of serotonin.

I booked in and saw my doctor a week after I went cold turkey. There are several reasons the box says "Do not suddenly stop taking this medication." We went through them, and while she was unhappy that with my methodology, she asked to see me again a week later. I'm also seeing her later this week.

My assessment of the effect of anti-depressants on me was that they lopped off the highs and lows, and numbed everything else. For the past x months, I haven't really given a shit about anything. Now I do.

The reality is that this decision was a success. For me. Colours seem brighter, I'm happier than I've felt in a long time. I feel like life has purpose, and I want to be here. The side effects are now at about 10% of what they were two weeks ago.

But it's not just because I stopped taking the pills. It's a result of taking control of my life. I'm living each day, a day at a time. Time (as a construct) gives me no other option, so who am I to argue with the clock? I'm exercising, eating better, I cut down my caffeine intake, drinking more water. I'm working on my self-discipline, and I'm on APAP as well, which is helping somewhat (if only I would stop taking off the mask in the middle of the night).

Most importantly, have involved other people in the process. I've made myself accountable, for a few reasons. Top of the list is that I cannot accurately assess whether I'm going downhill emotionally - my friends and family can. I'm trusting them to get me to the doctor if I spiral out of control again. My doctor is monitoring my progress, and we've agreed that I'll go on AD's again, IF my support relationships think I need them. But not Effexor - she said that, not me :)

But also, because I need that accountability. I need people to talk to when things get out of control (as they do), and people to chip me if I stop doing the things I need to do to get and stay healthy. I think John Donne may have said it best.

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main...

I've chosen to no longer be cut off from the continent.

Just in case you were wondering, I'm still alive.

The last six months-ish have been somewhat revealing.

For the few of you who have been around since the beginning, the swings and roundabouts of depression, the constant illnesses, and exhaustion, with no real explanation. The ups and downs, and never seeing any real, permanent change... it's enough to get a boy down.

Well, about six months ago, I was doing double duty with my doctor and shrink (I've been seeing both regularly). My doctor asked me a simple question "Do you snore?"

"Yeah, like a truck."

Doctor: "Do you know if you stop breathing while you sleep?"

I phoned my wife and asked

Sonset: "Yes, you do."

Well, hasn't that set a series of events in motion?

I've since seen two specialists, discovered that having tonsils that are literally the size of golfballs - and that's when I'm not sick - is a *bad* thing, and I've had a sleep study.

The sleep study was fascinating, if that's the correct word for the worst night of sleep I've ever had, hooked up to enough cables to feel like a borg.

Unofficially, the diagnosis is sleep apnea. I will officially find out from the specialist on the 15th of next month. He indicated when he had a camera threaded through my nose into my throat that since my tonsils *close my throat off* when I sleep, they're coming out. But I had to have the sleep study to justify the operation.

The doctor and shrink are now both working on the theory that my constant illnesses, my inability to commence regular exercise without getting sick within a few weeks, and... my depression, are most likely the result of long term sleep deprivation caused by the sleep apnea.

I dread going to bed. Some mornings I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed. The last few months, things have gotten worse - to the point that I'm starting to nod off at work most days.

Even so, possibly for the first time in my adult life, I have real, solid answers, and solutions to these issues that have plagued me for so long. Maybe, within a few short months, I'll be off this damned merry-go-round.

I may well be "back".

At the very least, I've updated my profile, and still need to change the theme.

Was discussing musical tastes with blakeley and we both have somewhat eclectic tastes.

iTunes on. Shuffle on. Hit play, and then skip the next ten songs to get a list (don't count the first song, skip again if an artist repeats).

Mark Knopfler - Stand Up Guy
Hillsong - Stay
Guardian - Bottle Rocket
The Rembrandts - I'll Be There For You (Acoustic Version)
Joe Satriani - Hill of the Skull
Butterfly Boucher - Drift On
Sting - Valparaiso
Jason Upton - Road to Emmaus
Relient K - Sadie Hawkins Dance
Crowded House - Something So Strong

You gotta be honest, too. Even if it is embarrassing. (I haven't deleted Hillsong yet?!?)

If anyone else actually does this too, wanna link back here?

W

Just because it was eclectic, went well together and I want to remember it

Arcade Fire - Neighbourhood #1 (Tunnels)
Silverchair - Straight Lines
Polyphonic Spree - Reach for the Sun
Mr Big - To Be With You
Norah Jones - Sunrise
Michael Penn - No Myth

…you can accurately describe your life in WoW metaphors.

I’m currently trying to solo [70] Housekeeping and [70] Parenting quests while also doing the [70] Employment meta-quest. The dungeon boss is on a two-week cooldown cycle, and I’m expecting a respawn next Saturday. If I don’t complete the quests fully before the end of the cooldown period, I may have a major boss fight on my hands.

The three mini-bosses keep respawning, and if I’m not careful they disappear and return with adds. I can solo one at a time, but very easily become overwhelmed when all three aggro on me. Even if I manage to solo all the mini-bosses, they don’t drop any loot, just vendor trash.

On top of the quests, I have a minor debuff that I haven’t been able to get dispelled, which I think I got from one of the mini-bosses. That mini-boss is currently roaming the dungeon, and I’m trying to CC it into staying in the one place. I may well have to stealth and sap.

Got a surprise when the dungeon boss unexpectedly spawned this morning, but I used a Hug buff and CC’d the mini-bosses into it’s path. Fortunately it despawned without me pulling aggro.

Mind you, if you fully understand that, you might need to ask yourself a question…

The Australian federal government won't sign the Kyoto Protocol for reduction of greenhouse gases.

However, they are banning incandescent light bulbs.

Uhhhh....?

Yeah, yeah, I always planned to make three posts. This is the last one.

http://warwick.livejournal.com/526272.html

If you've already voted, ignore this post.

If you haven't please do. I'll make the filter and start posting on Thursday or Friday (after I get back to Melbourne).

Regards,
Warwick

Well, I did a friends list slaughter - down to 44. Let's face it, if you haven't posted in two years, you're probably not coming back to LJ.

I know some of you guys have immense friends lists, and have lots of else on your plate, so if you wouldn't mind reviewing this post from yesterday, that'd be cool.

Vote aweigh!

http://warwick.livejournal.com/526272.html

W

This week I had twenty years worth of prayers answered and God reached out and grabbed my heart.

I need to say, I've not turned into some religious-right nutter who is going to start writing letters to the editor about the "filth on our TV", or picketing stuff I don't agree with. I'm not going to turn into some bible-thumping judgemental moral-majority clone either. Those people scare me (and anger me sometimes).

I'm not one of them people.

But I'm going to talk about God more on my LJ, and my faith, and the arts and what God is doing there.

Why am I telling you this? I'm going to put a poll, and I'll create a new posting filter, results viewable to me only.

If you don't want to see that stuff, let me know. If you don't care either way, let me know. I'm assuming if you don't vote, that's a "yeah, I don't mind reading what you gots to say".

There are 51 people on my friends list. Bring it on. :-)

Please let this work this time! If it doesn't just leave a comment, I'm screening them.

Poll #924717 Do you want to hear me?
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 22

Yes or no

Any comments?

...are you sure that this is a good idea?